I was going over old posts this morning and came across this one..it wasn’t so long ago I made this heartfealt attempt at stopping..for the gazillionth time. Needless to say..it didn’t work. There are so many subtle nuances wrapped up in my addiction..so many trials and errors..so many starts and stops.
There never seems to be an end in sight..so I try and
accept it, just like brushing my teeth is a part of
my day..sliding a needle under my skin in search of
a plump excited vein is also a part.
Original ‘Crave’ post:
Yea..cravings..let’s talk cravings. As I sit here sipping my daily dose of methadone wondering how in the hell I got to this point in my life…where along with instant coffee and something ridiculously sticky sweet, it constitutes what I call..a healthy break-fast. Ahh well, far better than the needle spoon and bag of dope that used to greet my mornings or nights..depending on when I would wake and which end was up.
Or is it..better I mean?
Well yes it is, in that having lived through decades of those mornings I could no longer call myself a reasonably content and in touch human being.
Just what is it we’re craving after anyway..what..to feel better about ourselves..to create this illusion..this social comfort zone and alternate reality that’s bogus anyway? Won’t we at some point..if we’re meant and lucky enough to make it through an addiction..eventually have to deal with all that mundane living ’stuff?’
Finding ourselves back at square one I’ll admit is a freak out. To realise there can be no true contentment or maybe the word I’m looking for is salvation..unless we do at least try and figure out our lives. It’s not so much about getting it right, as it is about having the guts to take the journey without the artificial escapism drugging affords us.
If I’d felt good about what I was doing, then all would’ve been okay wouldn’t it. But I didn’t..I felt tired after days and years of sleeping the drug sleep. My brain begged for release from the stoned foggy waking hours of my life. It begged good clean oxygen, it could no longer take in any more of my bullshit. We/It/I/ are/was/am tired.
Drugging too..has become mundane.
What did I do..am I doing..to combat craving?
I began/am scratching and crawling my way back to a memory of a life before drugs. As much release and comfort as they gave me..there was a price to pay..and that price was bigger than the reason I started using in the first place. See that’s what you don’t ‘get’ until it’s too late..and even then you still don’t really want to ‘get’ it.
To fight craves..
I write..watch video after video..I pace..eat..study..try and clean..make plan after plan..dig deep for what spirituality is..means to me..means to life now..and after..read everything I can about addiction..how and why it works..and why it doesn’t..then compare it to my own experience.
I make lists..I’m a huge ‘to do’ list maker..mostly they just pass the time and end up in either..boxes of stuff I want to go through later..or in the garbage. When I do find them years and years later..the lists of then, have not changed much when compared to the lists of today. Well maybe they do..in that they are smaller and no longer written with the same fervor and enthusiasm of earlier days. In other words even I now realise they were full of shit.
It’s in the doing not the listing.
I sometimes call people I haven’t spoken with in a long time. They too are like the lists of old..like me..repetitive..more abrupt..aloof..impassive..full of shit..(well not always).
Not much has changed.
I wonder if it is something spectacular we seek..some great event we expect. I think that’s what’s wrong with me in the first place..I thought life would be more exciting..more I don’t know..more something…but not this. Not this stagnant..slow growing..nano second evolving one cell at a time way that it feels like it is.
Maybe I should have had children..maybe in their ‘newness’ they put a bright & different spin on life..make it fresh..make it worth waking up too..
not the ‘right’ reason to have them though.
So I didn’t
Now drugging is not all doom and gloom..it’s just as human beings we’re not wired to live in a state of stupor. Something within calls out for more..is not satisfied..wants out.
Or so has been my experience.
A crave..the crave..to crave..I crave..we crave
what can I say about craving.
Other than I wish I didn’t crave opiates more than I crave a life without them.
And sometimes if we’re really, really lucky…another human being enters the picture and holds up a mirror and holds our hand through this never-ending journey and search that is life, and life only.
Update: The above time was one of many attempts that did not result in me getting clean, so I plod onward like any good junkie looking for salvation would.
For more information on how the brain craves and why, click on the brain.
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