The Crave (revisited)

cravingcdst_sm2

 

  

 

 I was going over old posts this morning and came across this one..it wasn’t so long ago I made this heartfealt attempt at stopping..for the gazillionth time. Needless to say..it didn’t work. There are so many subtle nuances wrapped up in my addiction..so many trials and errors..so many starts and stops.

There never seems to be an end in sight..so I try and
accept it, just like brushing my teeth is a part of
my day..sliding a needle under my skin in search of
a plump excited vein is also a part.

Original ‘Crave’ post:

Yea..cravings..let’s talk cravings. As I sit here sipping my daily dose of methadone wondering how in the hell I got to this point in my life…where along with instant coffee and something ridiculously sticky sweet, it constitutes what I call..a healthy break-fast. Ahh well, far better than the needle spoon and bag of dope that used to greet my mornings or nights..depending on when I would wake and which end was up.

Or is it..better I mean?

Well yes it is, in that having lived through decades of those mornings I could no longer call myself a reasonably content and in touch human being.

Just what is it we’re craving after anyway..what..to feel better about ourselves..to create this illusion..this social comfort zone and alternate reality that’s bogus anyway? Won’t we at some point..if we’re meant and lucky enough to make it through an addiction..eventually have to deal with all that mundane living ’stuff?’

Finding ourselves back at square one I’ll admit is a freak out. To realise there can be no true contentment or maybe the word I’m looking for is salvation..unless we do at least try and figure out our lives. It’s not so much about getting it right, as it is about having the guts to take the journey without the artificial escapism drugging affords us.

Imho.

If I’d felt good about what I was doing, then all would’ve been okay wouldn’t it.  But I didn’t..I felt tired after days and years of sleeping the drug sleep. My brain begged for release from the stoned foggy waking hours of my life. It begged good clean oxygen, it  could no longer take in any more of my bullshit. We/It/I/ are/was/am tired.

Drugging too..has become mundane.

What did I do..am I doing..to combat craving?

I began/am scratching and crawling my way back to a memory of a life before drugs. As much release and comfort as they gave me..there was a price to pay..and that price was bigger than the reason I started using in the first place. See that’s what you don’t ‘get’ until it’s too late..and even then you still don’t really want to ‘get’ it.

To fight craves..

I write..watch video after video..I pace..eat..study..try and clean..make plan after plan..dig deep for what spirituality is..means to me..means to life now..and after..read everything I can about addiction..how and why it works..and why it doesn’t..then compare it to my own experience.
I make lists..I’m a huge ‘to do’ list maker..mostly they just pass the time and end up in either..boxes of stuff I want to go through later..or in the garbage. When I do find them years and years later..the lists of then, have not changed much when compared to the lists of today. Well maybe they do..in that they are smaller and no longer written with the same fervor and enthusiasm of earlier days. In other words even I now realise they were full of shit.
It’s in the doing not the listing.

I sometimes call people I haven’t spoken with in a long time. They too are like the lists of old..like me..repetitive..more abrupt..aloof..impassive..full of shit..(well not always).
Not much has changed.

I wonder if it is something spectacular we seek..some great event we expect. I think that’s what’s wrong with me in the first place..I thought life would be more exciting..more I don’t know..more something…but not this. Not this stagnant..slow growing..nano second evolving one cell at a time way that it feels like it is.

Maybe I should have had children..maybe in their ‘newness’ they put a bright & different spin on life..make it fresh..make it worth waking up too..
not the ‘right’ reason to have them though.

So I didn’t

have them.

Now drugging is not all doom and gloom..it’s just as human beings we’re not wired to live in a state of stupor. Something within calls out for more..is not satisfied..wants out.
Or so has been my experience.

A crave..the crave..to crave..I crave..we crave
what can I say about craving.
Other than I wish I didn’t crave opiates more than I crave a life without them.
And sometimes if we’re really, really lucky…another human being enters the picture and holds up a mirror and holds our hand through this never-ending journey and search that is life, and life only.

Update: The above time was one of many attempts that did not result in me getting clean, so I plod onward like any good junkie looking for salvation would.

For more information on how the brain craves and why,  click on the brain.

 1-brain8proof_craving_sm6

 

 

 

 

 

Please hover mouse over photo’s to find credit & sources for pictures used.

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14 Comments »

  1. mary_bc Said:

    Thank you all for such compassionate, insightful and helpful comments. This is me in 2017, looking back on a blog I kept all those years ago. I am content to say I found my way out of the rabbit hole only to stumble into another one. Cancer. Funny, I now take opiates as an only way to combat the pain I go through/live with. I was without any for many years it still found its way back into my host. Confirming for me beliefs of long ago..life is a trip you take without ever really knowing where you go or end destination.Life makes you, you do not make life Quite smoking years ago too. I hope all of you have found your peaceful place,

    Carry on my wayward friends. 😉
    Mary-BC

  2. Shyam Said:

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

  3. n a n d a Said:

    i only crave for cheesecake (-_-);;;;;;;

    btw, beautiful post (^o^)b

  4. Kath Lockett Said:

    I don’t have the addiction you have, but I sympathise with your struggles and really admire your bravery in revealing it to us.

  5. Grayspirit Said:

    I think we are all seeking, but have no idea what it is that we seek.

    To fill that void some build careers, some family, some do drugs, some smoke. But I believe it is there in all of us. From time to time we can busy ourselves with work or whatever, but it is always there.

    I think over time, one accepts that sense of emptiness not as an evil but just as part of our existence and make peace with it. And maybe its a door to another level of conciousness where we don’t have to worry about how many friends we have, or how much money we make, or whatever it is that we feel we don’t hav

    I don’t have the answer. I’ve just managed to shift my need to things that were a little more socially acceptable, but I know the ghosts are still there and pop up every once in a while. But having run the course of a career and all that jazz, I’ve come to accept the void a lot more, simply because after all these years, I’ve learned that all the other trappings of life don’t really matter and have learned how to be alone without being lonely – even when surrounded by friends and family.

    I can say this though. You seem to be aware of a lot of things about yourself and perhaps that is the beginning. I don’t think I was that self aware when I was younger and going through my chemistry phase. Good luck.

  6. devianty Said:

    Nice to visit, good post keep writing and sharing.

  7. firingsquid Said:

    Keep posting – it’s great to read about your experiences.

    There were two things that came to mind for me. Firstly, there is an odd thing about behavior which goes a bit like this: If you say to a child ‘don’t pick your nose’, the conscious (executive brain) will hear exactly what you said, but the subconscious will separate ‘don’t’ from ‘pick your nose’, and a few seconds later, when the conscious brain is onto some other thought, the subconscious is still thinking ‘pick your nose’.

    Secondly, coming off opioids (like heroin), will take on average 10 or so attempts before it’s successful – you have to be very patient with yourself, and forgiving. A lot of people also grow out of addiction, for reasons unknown. I know that many people have benefited from using buprenorphine patches (Norspan) which decrease the chance of withdrawal, but also reduce the effectiveness of the heroin so you stop having such a kick from it.

    I hope you succeed, and keep blogging!

  8. geoff Said:

    the problem with looking behind the curtain, is now you know the wizard is just a techy douche. Time to try a new road, Dorothy. I recommend one that seeks to help your fellow man. It’s the only thing of value we do as a species.

  9. It depends on what you crave. In adulthood, hopefully we have accepted the weird desires, shames and needs we have aquired, as long as they don’t actually do us, or others, harm. If there is a negative cost to them, then getting help is also the adult thing to do.

  10. Ratty Said:

    I’m someone who has no way to fully understand what you’ve gone through, I never even smoke. I do understand and identify with the feeling of life seeming to lack any meaning or excitement though. I guess I deal with it a little differently, no better and no worse. I started hiking in an attempt to deal with a meaningless feeling life. It’s not the answer for everyone, and it has been a far from complete answer for me. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there’s not supposed to be one. I guess the best any of us can do is to keep on trying.

  11. Ms. X Said:

    i love reading your posts….truthful and insightful and beautifully written.

  12. jen Said:

    I just ran across your blog on blog explosion and thank you for writing it. While I do not currently have an addiction to drugs, I do have an addictive nature to other things not so healthy, even for mental health. You are a great writer and thanks for sharing your life and thoughts!

  13. Sathira Said:

    Do not try to eliminate Craving by extreme way.

    Our mind works in a very wonderful way. The more you want to get rid of your addiction, your mind will give you more resistance.

    Tell yourself not to be a slave to your mind anymore. Be watchful of all the rising and falling thoughts in your mind. Just want to share this analogy with you : If you are being followed by a robber and you are aware of it, can the robber rob you? I believe you will definitely find ways to stop the robber from robbing you. Now, let’s take the example of our mind as the robber, if you are mindful or aware that a bad (unwholesome)thought is coming into your mind. Are you going to allow the bad thought to come in?

    Rome is not built in one day. The most important thing here is to find the right PROCESS to do it. If the process is right, the results will come automatically! Just like baking a banana cake. If you have the right ingredients, you must also use the right process such as mixing the right composition of the right ingredients, right temperature of the oven, right timing for the baking process so that you can have a tasty banana cake at the end of the day. If you have the right ingredients but don’t have the right process or vice versa, can you produce a great banana cake at the end of the day? Do not use the extreme way. If you can’t eliminate it immediately the habits immediately, try to NEUTRALIZE or REDUCE it first. With the right approach, I strongly believe your problem can be resolved.

    May you be well and happy always!
    Be patient and have confidence!

  14. DJ Said:

    Your posts are very compelling, though sad. Your writing talent and style is so lovely. I wish I could in some way project happiness and peace of mind to you.


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