“See That My Grave Is Kept Clean” written & sung by Blind Lemon Jefferson
It’s not the first time since your death that I’ve sat in front of this screen trying to put words to these sputtering heated emotions. I’ve started many posts..but each seemed more scattered than the other..more confused..more desperate.
How does one ever really understand death, it’s the kinda thing we wing isn’t it, we do in the moment. Funerals are something we plan because it’s the only thing we can do when it comes to death.
Sucide is another.
Maybe your shame killed you, your lifelong inability to let pride take a backseat. Your shame along with our apathy, and so many other balls dropping led to the hour of your death. It wasn’t pretty your passing, the floors, the rooms wreaked of havoc , helter skelter bodily fluids, a testament to your final death throws.
And I feel so beaten inside, to know all that I wished..every deal I made..bargin I bargained with the Gods who sit on high..that your life was still yours, that no..it could not be so..denying every fiber in my being when they screamed you were gone, had fallen on deaf ears.
I can’t even recall when it was I first stopped listening to you..it happened so slowly and over a long, long period of time. I think we all do it to some extent, stop listening I mean, to those we spend alot of time with or have known forever. It shouldn’t be so..the poets warn us that fleetingness could destroy us, people tell us we will one day wish we had more time, we ourselves notice it when others do it to someone else.
Still, we don’t seem to heed the warnings do we..or at least I didn’t. Because here I am..understanding more than I want to, exactly what all those forboding words of wisdom mean now..trying to absorb the finality of your passing, yet trying not to. I can’t get back all those precious minutes..over 35 years worth. I had you right in front of me..and just like that, a future with you in it is no more.
Just like that..so difficult..so real.
So fucking disorienting..this walk I take through your death.
The pounding weight of how badly I will miss you hits daily..my hand reaching out for the phone to call you..my question was a fast one, one I knew you’d have the answer to..had the answer to..and perhaps still do somewhere inbetween the pieces of time and space that we still breathing have yet to understand. But here on this earth..our bodies gravity grounded..guarded..cannot know what the dead know. Only the print of your voice on an answering machine greeted me..my heart skipping a beat as I heard it..as if you’d stepped out to get cigarettes, a drink or something ridiculously sweet..as if in a moment you’d get right back to me.
Gone to the Unseen
At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.
What marvelous route did you take from this world?
Beating your wings and feathers,
you broke free from this cage.
Rising up to the sky
you attained the world of the soul.
You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
Then you heard the drummer’s call
and flew beyond space and time.
As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.
Then came the scent of the rosegarden
and you flew off to meet the Rose.
The wine of this fleeting world
caused your head to ache.
Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.
Like an arrow, you sped from the bow
and went straight for the bull’s eye of bliss.
This phantom world gave you false signs
But you turned from the illusion
and journeyed to the land of truth.
You are now the Sun –
what need have you for a crown?
You have vanished from this world –
what need have you to tie your robe?
I’ve heard that you can barely see your soul.
But why look at all? –
yours is now the Soul of Souls!
O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.
Seeking divine heights,
Flapping your wings,
you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.
The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you –
You are the fearless rose
that grows amidst the freezing wind.
Pouring down like the rain of heaven
you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .
Now the words are over
and the pain they bring is gone.
Now you have gone to rest
in the arms of the Beloved.
“Rumi The Sufi
– In the Arms of the Beloved-